I've had a lot going on lately, most of it depressing and frustrating. It's to the point I just want to give up and live in a cave somewhere for a while. Too much pressure to do things. Too many things on my schedule. Too many people needing too much of my time. And all I want to do is hide in my closet and pretend I'm not home.
This is what depression and anxiety look like for me. I retreat farther into my private shell. I can be myself in there, without fear of judgment or reprisal. I can express those thoughts and feelings without anyone telling me I'm wrong. Without anyone criticizing me.
Except I have this inner voice that constantly whispers, "You're a failure. You're inept. You're worthless. You'll never be any good."
And I fight back. I stand up to it. I tell myself that I am enough. I am of infinite worth because I am a child of God. If I stumble and mess up, it's okay. I can stand back up and keep trying. I can look forward, not back.
Most of the time it works.
But some days I am so tired and exhausted I just can't do it. Those are the days that I'm tempted to hide in my closet. Those are the days my anxiety spikes and I can't function. Those are the days that every judgmental comment and post on Facebook feels like it was written about me. Those are the days when nothing I do is good enough, when it will never be good enough.
But there are also days when the sun is shining and life is good and I can conquer anything.
I just have to hold on to my memory of sunshine and pray that it will guide me through the darkness. That it will be enough and trust that I will be enough.