Karina Fabian and Bruno, her pet chainsaw |
The Great Zombie Interview Experiment
Welcome to ZERD, the Zombie Extermination Research &
Development Center. I’m Dr. Coriander Spice, and it’s my pleasure to take you
on this tour. We have a special treat for you today! We have started an
exciting new round of experiments suggested by Doctor Jaleta Clegg, a blogger
and SFF writer. (Aren’t they the most amazing people? I wish I had that kind of imagination.)
If you’d follow me to the experimentation room… Yes, yes,
that is a live zombie. Or actually, an undead zombie (chortle). No need to
panic. We’re behind safety glass, as are Doctor Clegg and our own ZERD
specialist, Berk Fognini.
As you know, or should know by now, zombies do not have
higher brain functions. For example, zombies as a rule cannot do
multiplication. Of course, regular humans can. What’s 7x6? Yes you… uh, no,
that’s not… You? No, it can’t be an odd number.
How about…? No, no Googling it.
Oh, hm. Maybe we should rethink that test.
Anyway, in general, a lack of higher brain functions is the
rule, but what does that mean? We know that zombies can think enough to return
home, chase the living, open doors, even avoid smoking areas. But is that
cognizant thought or just ingrained habit? Today, we’re trying something new.
We will actually question a zombie.
Yes, yes, people have done that before, but in the past,
most of those people have been killed by the zombie before they could share
anything they might have learned. Besides, “Honey, what are you doing?”, “Don’t
you recognize me?” and “How could you?” really don’t give us a lot of insight.
So please do not try this at home or anywhere else. We are professionals!
As you can see, our – quote – live zombie – unquote - has
been immobilized with netting and we’ve attached electrodes to its brain. An
MRI would be more accurate, of course, but we couldn’t guarantee it would
survive the decontamination process. Listen as Doctors Clegg and Fognini begin
the test. You can see the brain activity on the screen to the upper left.
Clegg: Can you tell us your name?
The zombie rasps a groan and
struggles against the netting. The lines on the graph twitch, but steady
quickly.
Clegg: What’s your name?
Zombie: Ehhhhh.
Its eyes roll in its head and it
twists, but it ignores the scientists. Again, a minimal response makes the
lines wiggle but nothing more.
Clegg shrugs and waves to Fognini.
Fognini, with the voice of the
Bridgekeeper in Monty Python: What…is
your name?
The zombie stills, but turns its
attention toward the scientists. The
graph starts drawing peaks.
Zombie: Gaaal-a-haaad.
Fognini: What…is your quest?
Zombie: Graaaail.
Fognini: What…is your favorite
color?
Zombie: Blue! No, yelll…auuuuugh.
Despite the zombie’s last answer
ending in a long groan, the machine still showed activity.
Wow! So as you can see, we definitely have a Python fan. We
had expected that, since this is the walking corpse of Cumberdict Benehatch, a
local actor who hung himself when he didn’t get the part of King Arthur. The
corpse zombiefied and escaped its noose before it was discovered, and was
captured when it returned to the theater groaning, “Flesh wound.” I wonder if
it’s a fan of British comedy in general. Excuse me.
Coriander presses a button: Jaleta? Try something from Dinner With the Past. I love that show.
Clegg: Who would you like dinner
with?
Zombie stares at her a moment: Braaains.
Clegg, this time with a Welsh
accent: Welcome to Dinner With the Past. Are you expecting someone?
For a moment, the zombie is still.
The graphs trace gentle waves. Then, a sudden spike.
Zombie: Einstein. Aquinas. Biiiiiiiden.
Clegg, eyebrows raised in surprise:
Very good. And what will you be having?
Zombie: Einstein. Aquinas. Biden.
Braaains!
Becky Parker and her awesome voice |
Fascinating! If I may draw your attention to the charts. You
see this pattern, here? That is commonly associated with hunger, yet this line
shows a definite decision-making process. It would seem our test subject has a
discriminating taste in brains. Biden, one can only assume, is dessert. Let’s
see where Jaleta goes with this.
Clegg: Why do you eat brains?
The zombie groans “brains!” once or
twice more, and renews its struggle to escape.
Fognini, quoting The Return of the Living Dead: Don’t be
afraid. Can you hear me? Why do you eat people?
Jaleta grabs Berk’s arm, shouting
for him to stop, but it was too late. The zombie goes wild. It howls and
thrashes against its restraints. The charts draws the Himalayas, then go flat
as the zombie tears the wires out of the machine. Alarms sounds and large guns
drop from the ceiling and spray the zombie with foam. As its struggles cease
and it goes slack, it moans.
Zombie: Haaaack.
Oh, my. Oh, that is a shame. Fognini stepped all over its
lines. You see, this is why you have to stay objective, and keep to a
methodical scientific process. Well, still some interesting data. Perhaps we
can try with someone who was less sensitive when they were alive.
Next on our tour is our chemical defense system. We have a
wonderful video for you on how we developed the antihistamine foam you just saw
in action.
Zombie problem? Call Neeta Lyffe,
Zombie Exterminator--but not this weekend.
On vacation at an exterminator’s
convention, she's looking to relax, have fun, and enjoy a little romance. Too
bad the zombies have a different idea. When they rise from their watery graves
to take over the City by the Bay, it looks like it'll be a working vacation
after all.
Enjoy the thrill of
re-kill with Neeta Lyffe, Zombie Exterminator.
Karina Fabian, the author, is an award-winning fantasy, science fiction
author writes comedic horror that will make you die laughing and come back for
more. Check out her latest at http://fabianspace.com
Becky Parker Geist, the narrator, owns Pro Audio Voices, serving
clients internationally with exceptional voiceover for audiobooks, advertising
& animation. She loves creating audiobooks with sound effects! Married with
3 adult daughters, Becky lives in San Francisco and New York, working Off Broadway
regularly.
Find Karina at:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/karina.fabian
Twitter:
http://twitter.com/#!/KarinaFabian
Find Becky at:
Website: https://twitter.com/audiovoices
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/becky.geist
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/audiovoices
Find I Left My Brains in San Francisco at:
Damnation Books: http://www.damnationbooks.com/book.php?isbn=9781615727643
Amazon: http://amzn.to/Nzm01L (paper) http://amzn.to/OBBmkL (Kindle)
More about it at http://zombiedeathextreme.com
Audio Link will be sent once live….or undead, as the case may
be. Due to publisher delays, it isn't quite there yet, but stay tuned.
Video Links
Zombie
Quiz 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZsTkIIsIzk
Zombie
Quiz 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySKPONG0TfI
Crappy
Crude Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jCwHhMmguQ
Find more stops on the tour at http://karinafabian.com/2015/09/zombiebooktour
Find more stops on the tour at http://karinafabian.com/2015/09/zombiebooktour
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Keep it clean, keep it nice.