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Monday, May 31, 2010

Convention Etiquette for Vampires

I just returned from ConDuit, which was great fun. I'm also dead tired. So here, straight from the dungeons of my brain, come some rules if you happen to be a vampire at a SF/F con:

1. NO SPARKLING IN PUBLIC! This labels you as an emo vampire. You will be nailed to the nearest wall for humiliation, shame, and mockery if you admit your status as a sparkly fairy-vamp. Either that, or you will be sold as a Barbie slave.

2. No sucking up to guests, unless they invite you. I know you're hungry and the hospitality suite just doesn't stock much B-, but use a little restraint. Most guests don't want to be stalked by rabid fans or hungry vampires. Those that do, will let you know their preferences.

3. Don't worry about sunlight. Most cons take place in hotels that shun any hint of daylight. The vast majority of rooms have no windows. Those that do are heavily draped in light-blocking curtains. If you do catch a stray beam, blame the smoking on special-effects. Otherwise you may be sent outside to smoke since hotels are normally smoke-free zones. This would be bad, very bad.

4. Did I mention NO SPARKLING? Most SF/F fans prefer their vampires traditional. Keep the sparkling a secret or you will suffer.

5. Don't worry about being yourself in public. Let your fangs show. Wear your silk waistcoat. Most con attendees appreciate good make-up and wardrobes. They will never suspect yours are not fakes.

6. Let your hair down a little. Cons don't stand on much formality. You can really cut loose at an SF/F con. They will appreciate your wit and style. Or they might mock you mercilessly. Flash your fangs a few times and quote Dracula and you should be fine.

7. Relax and enjoy yourself. Use the con as a break from your usual routine of intimidation, fear-mongering, and seducing susceptible young maidens with the IQ's of potato chips. Have a stimulating conversation with other attendees on the merits of horror fiction or space travel or the eternal question of "boxers or briefs". You might be surprised at the insights you receive.

8. Finally, NO SPARKLING! Really. Don't even try.