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Monday, February 15, 2010

Convention Etiquette for Zombies

I was on the zombies panel at Life, the Universe, & Everything last week. It inspired a few interesting thoughts, until my brains were devoured. I thought I'd share.

Etiquette rules for zombies attending conventions:

1. Do not eat the committee's brains. The committee members' brains have been so stressed by planning and executing the convention that they will taste over cooked and fried. Not tasty. Wait a week, THEN eat their brains.

2. Make sure your lips are glued on tightly before participating in a panel. Having your lips stick to the microphone when you pass it to your fellow panelists is a definite no-no in the manners book. Miss Manners would be so disappointed in you. Having them land in your water cup is also not appropriate.

3. Ditto for eyeballs.

4. Try not to shamble in the hallways. Most conventions have very crowded hallways. You may lose more than a few digits and appendages trying to shamble through the crowd. Of course, this may be intentional if you have many fans who want a piece of you.

5. Request plenty of rosemary for your brains at banquets. Most venues are happy to oblige. Rosemary also helps with "brain breath".

6. Prominently carry a copy of a literary classic such as Wuthering Heights or Little Women. People will assume you are cultured and civilized, making it much easier to eat their brains.

7. Always wear a bucket on your head. This will protect you from evil mind rays. Wait, you don't have a brain so they won't affect you. Wear it as a fashion statement instead.

8. Watch out for fruit and vegetable trays. Everyone knows that zombies and vegetable matter are like mixing jello with explosives. Both lose, and the mess is horrendous.

9. Finally, children under the age of 12 are NOT appropriate food sources. Go for the teenagers instead. No one will notice if their brains go missing.

Enjoy your next convention!